Hi this is Anthony from Rosa’s Chante. Here is part two of the moving letter that I received about why it is important to put your loved one in a place where they get good care.
As time progressed, my mother lost more and more patience and she was no longer the mother I knew. She was bitter and angry that her life was being taken from her. My father’s health and mind were declining. She could not get away even for a half hour break because he would get upset.
Sometimes my mother would go sit in her car and cry. She would call and say she could not do this anymore. We would go look at homes, and she would agree to put him somewhere, but she always found fault with the home somehow.
Everything I remembered about my parents were gone. My father was a man in diapers and being very nervous and needy and often not recognizing me. My mother was angry and often took it out on everyone. She was bitter and she became mean.
People around her started encouraging her to get my father placed somewhere. She then started to think they were against her and she started pushing everyone out. Social services came and inspected the home. They found nothing wrong. They strongly encouraged a home for him and to offer her relief. My mother said if you love someone you stick it out.
Sadly, she never put him in a home. He had gotten sick with phenomena and died in hospice. He kept holding on at first and I broke down and said, if you want to be free, and if you really love your wife, you will let go. He died the next day.
It has been six months since my father’s death. My mother lives with the guilt of being mean to him in his final year. Most of the family, she pushed away, and now that my father’s gone, she wants the family back, but they are too angry at her for not getting him the help he needed.
I am the only one that helps her. I get that she loved my father and wanted to take care of him, but sadly, she did not love him enough to put him in a home where he could have been watched around the clock.
Anthony, what I have learned is real true love, is having the courage to put your loved one in the hands of a professional. By my mother not doing this, my father’s last year was awful, I saw things I should have never seen, and the family has been damaged. That is not love, that is fear.
Please encourage people that real love is letting go enough to allow professionals to care for our loved one. It is not giving up, it is gaining hope. Adult care is so important it can make someone’s last months so much better and save families. Please Anthony, make sure you let people know, it is not giving up, just common sense.